Teresa asked me last Sunday “How is life with Paityn different than I had expected it would be?” I started to give her one answer, changed it to another, and then couldn’t help but think of other answers in my head as the night went on. I figured these thoughts deserve to be documented.
Ways that I was wrong:
I had thought that I would be bored staying home with a newborn
I had thought I’d be up all night with her, that we’d never sleep
I’d worried I’d wouldn’t be able to breastfeed her
I had thought she would be bald, and blonde
I had thought I’d want to pierce her ears pretty early on
I had thought that everyone would be right and that she’d grow out of her NB clothes in a week
I had thought the word mom would start to feel like a natural word
I had thought I’d be so overwhelmed that I wouldn’t even want to think siblings for years
and turns out, 4 or 5am, when paityn and I are up together, is one of the happiest hours of my entire day
Ways that I was right:
She is the cuddliest little thing in those long nightgowns with hand-mitts
Seeing loved ones love and hold her is the best feeling
What I didn’t expect:
The feeling of unity. It is indescribable. Now at 2 months I still don’t have this gushing and overwhelming love for this baby. What I feel feels so much greater than what I had pictured.
It feels as though somehow she and I are one. It should be noted that it is completely separate still from the emotion of being pregnant with her. It is a gentle spiritual connection like nothing I’ve felt before. She’s strong willed, observant and cuddly. As she lays on my chest, strapped in with the bjorn, breathing heavy as she sleeps, I realize I somehow admire her spirit already.
And we’ve just barely met.